From Unqualified to UNAPOLOGETIC

There is one dream I have never posted, blogged, or even publicly prayed about. 

When I was in the 7th grade I attended the Revolve girls conference. It was loud, energetic and the speakers were engaging. After a day of worship, I was riding back to the hotel with my friend and mentor, Hillary. Before she could even ask what I thought, I asked her, "Would you think I'm crazy if I told you I wanted to be one of those speakers?" Without even skipping a beat, she offered affirmation, "No, I think  you will be great."

My senior year of high school I competed in the Miss South Johnston pageant. We were asked make an on stage statement, and in true Kendall fashion I decided to wing it. My mouth opened and in the midst of my statement I said, "one day I would like to be an inspirational speakers to young girls." 

I looked into the audience and saw my moms face echoing the shock I was feeling inside. You see, I hadn't ever told anyone about being speaker and over 5 years had passed between the two weekends.

Fast forward to a few weeks before I graduated college. Our sorority came up with superlatives, and we didn't get to know the categories. I received, "most likely to be the voice of our generation."

I  Didn't take it lightly and felt as if my call was being affirmed for the third time. Due to going through my own valley I wasn't quite ready to surrender even after being called to Divinity school.

...

However, almost 8th months ago, I found myself in the bed for the 3rd day in a row, well past noon. The thought of leaving the bed felt as difficult as an Olympic event, but my reality left me sidelined in the story of my own life.

I was frustrated, scared, anxious, and ready to admit myself into a psychiatric ward because the gravity of my situation in the midst of my depressed and anxious mind was more than I wanted to carry. However, I decided to give myself one more shot at "getting it together."

I had tried crocheting, painting, running, yoga, and even began baking to try to coax my mind out of its funk; but nothing seemed to work. I grabbed my laptop, and just decided to write what many would call a stream of consciousness. It reads much like a confession to a counselor with painful details and apprehensive pauses, I just needed to let it out; even if it was only to my lonesome keyboard.

A few days passed and I felt a tug on my heart to write again, but this time for an audience. To let the world into my anxious mind, and justify my distant behavior; so I wrote.

The response was greater and warmer than anything I had ever posted before, I was shocked at the number of women who related and spoke prayers over me. I was relieved to know that I wasn't alone, but disheartened at the number of women who had been struggling in silence.

I disheartened state opened me to be vulnerable to the idea of posting again and again. I would tell myself, "If it helps just one person, that is all that matters," but it seemed to be helping more than one, several more.

....

As I began to be able to walk out of The Valley I was in, I became increasingly aware that my work and writing wasn't complete, and after many affirming conversations I knew that this is quite possible how God was calling me to minister.

 "Oh but God, I am not qualified to be a minister to other people, I haven't even began divinity school yet," I would plead with God, as if I had the ability to convince him otherwise.

I began studying different ministers and what it looked like to be a "women in Christ" in the most traditional sense, and I began even more discouraged. The word that shattered my heart into a million pieces each time was, "meek."

I was certainly meek while in The Valley, but it was not my nature to possess a passive attitude or to submit blindly to other people. I prayed, listened, read, and prayed some more about it, just knowing God would develop a spirit of meekness if that was what I was needing.

However, that wasn't the case. Instead he began to reveal to me that the traits I had began to hate; loud, outspoken, bossy, and strong-willed, were the exact traits I would need for my ministry.

Leaving with a new and restored confidence and left with the word "Unapologetic."

...

I began to pray a little less about what I needed to change and began to shift my focus to who I would minister to. God began to whisper the topics to me: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, infertility, SEX, confidence, and identity to me.

Topics which were never off the table for me to talk about to my family and friends, but I never had any intentions of writing about them as a ministry. Therefore, I went back to the books and began reading, writing, and researching.

I have spent the last 6 months preparing for this ministry and I look forward into diving into these subjects with you. It's my prayer that I am able to help women walk through their valleys and to have confidences  in Christ to succeed. It is my dream to be able to speak on stages but for now I know this is where I'm meant to be.

..

Last but totally not least, I am working on a devotional specially tailored for people going through their own valley! A sneak peak and pre-order date will be released next week. I am humbled at the idea of my darker days helping others get through theirs!

If you feel lead to share this page, support me in prayer, or just want to say hello! I would love to hear from you! Thank you, for being on this journey with me!