The Power of Showing Up : The BIGGEST Lesson I Learned in my Darkest Hour
Three years ago at this time I was being wheeled back to the OR. Not sure if the cyst they were going to remove would also take my ovaries and uterus, or if the cyst would be was cancerous or not.
I was numb at the thought of how quickly life could shift, especially considering just a week earlier everything was normal.
I asked God why? Why me? Why now?
My thoughts moved from superficial "I dont have time to deal with this."
To heavier thoughts about having babies and cancer, leading to questions and conversations I was not planning to have anytime soon with Justin.
I made the common mistake of googling "the odds," of all the potential outcomes, and would send my self into a puddle of tears. Our sorority philanthropy was Ovarian Cancer, I knew about the potential of the cyst being cancerous would that would mean.
“I found myself in the midst of emotions I had never felt and scared in a way I couldn’t articulate.”
It was a dark week, that culminated as I laid on the hospital bed, awaiting surgery:
Nurse: Kendall, are you aware of what procedure you are here for today?
Me: Yes, to have the cyst removed along with anything else the doctor deems necessary.
Nurse: Correct, if they deem necessary, a full hysterectomy that is what they will be doing. Which means you will not be able to have children normally. Have you discussed whether you want egg retrieval?
I couldn't speak, I nodded my head and began to slow cry. She walked away and I became more overwhelmed.
They hadn't allowed my parents to come back yet, and I had never felt so alone. An angel in the form of a nurse anesthetist came by, and asked if I needed my mom. I nodded as she pulled out a tissue for me.
The nurse went to the waiting room to retrieve my mom, but came back with Faithe Beam, my college minister. She had drove an hour, before work, to come pray with me. I was immediately overcome with more emotion, and in awe that she would show up like that. She held my hand, prayed with me, and assured me that whatever the outcome, I was in God's hands.
Faithe went back to the waiting room and traded places with my mom.
At 22 years old, my mom held my hand as tightly as she had crossing the street as a child. She had walked the past week with me. Bouncing from appointment to appointment to pre-op and back. She hadn't let me out of her site, and when I was "having a moment" getting upset, she was there to ride it out with me.
Like Faithe, she prayed with me again asking for peace and understanding, pleading with God that his Will be aligned with the desires of my heart, and thanking Him for all he has given me thus far.
The same nurse who had reminded me how much things could change today, wheeled me back to the OR. I held tight to "Justin Bear" (bear who had already seen his share of tough days with me) and closed my eyes as they put on my mask.
They encouraged me to count until i fell asleep, but all I could think of was Hannah's prayer, "Lord, If you give me a child, I will give it back to you." I repeated the phrase like a broken record until I fell asleep. I knew that all I needed was "a chance," to have a baby and God would take care of the rest.
“Lord, If you give me a child, I will give it back to you. Lord, If you give me a child, I will give it back to you.
Lord, If you give me a child, I will give it back to you. Lord, If you give me a child, I will give it back to you. ”
I went into surgery knowing that best case scenario would be that the cyst would not be found cancerous, and praying that they would be able to retrieve the eggs if possible. The size of my cyst was comparable to small Nerf football and they feared it had already overtaken both ovaries, but wouldn't know until they could physically see it.
I was woken up, by the sweet voice of a nurse (obviously not the same harsh-toned lady who read me my rights before.) All I can remember is her saying, "Kendall, we have great news! The doctor was able to save an Ovary!"
I began a slow cry again, but this time it was out of joy. I put my hand on hers, and told her "I am blessed," and I had been blessed.
For the rest of the day, I continued to "bless" every person I came in contact with. It would be a few days before we would learn that he cyst was also NOT cancerous.
“What I thought was my BEST case scenario fell short of The Blessing God had given me that day.”
Almost a year to the date from my surgery (two years ago this week), I found myself in the presence of Faithe Beam again. However, this time it post mental breakdown.
My mom rushed home after a receiving a panicked phone call from me, and found me frozen in her bed frozen in paranoia and anxiety. She brought me my "rescue meds," and held me until I could calm down enough to speak and asked me who she could call to help me.
My answer was Faithe, the same women who had shown up a year before.
Mom replied, "Kendall, she is busy with getting ready for exams and holiday events at Campbell." My only words were, "She'll answer."
Not only did Faithe answer, but she cleared her calendar for the afternoon.
“I sat in her office for almost 3 hours pulling things out of depths of my heart I had spent a year trying to bury. ”
Though this blog could easily be read as a "woe is me," story about something that happened 3 years ago, it isn't. THIS is about the two women who SHOWED UP in the busiest of times, simply because I needed them.
The week before Thanksgiving is always the BIGGEST of the year for my parents at work, and as the Dean of Ministry at Campbell, you can only imagine the obligations and task Faithe was responsible for.
Instead of being worried about THEIR list of things "to-do," they shuffled their schedules and scrapped priorities to give me the attention I was in such desperate need of.
As children we picked our friends based off of common interest. Even in college surrounded ourselves with people who liked what we liked, and who we enjoyed being with. However, that week taught me that relationships have nothing to do with our personal interest or whether someone would make a good "shopping buddy."
“Real relationships are founded in unshakable bond through the unspoken words, “I’ll be there,” and then following through and proving it.”
Too often our lives get busy and when our "friends" are going through a tough time we shoot them a text, or comment on their social media offering the familiar words, "I'm praying for you, let me know what I can do!"
I can assure you that those prayers are appreciated, but what we need even more is for you to SHOW UP.
Be there. Take something off of our plate. Come watch TV in silence. Meet a need.
All because others SHOWED UP for me, my "to-do list" can wait.
I know how much personally delivering flowers can mean or taking care of someones meals. I remember how it felt when someone drove too far, just to "be" with me or bring just bring me soup.
I know that God doesn't just bless us when its convenient to Him, and I am so grateful for that. We are called to love others in the same way, by simply showing up.
So this is my prayer:
Lord,
I ask that you give me the discernment to see those around me who are hurting. Give me a gracious mindset to serve them, even when it is not convenient for me. Open my eyes to ways I can show your love and goodness.
Thank you for all those who have shown up for me when I needed it. I ask that you bless them for showing me a love like Your own, and for the opportunity to return the love to them.
Amen
Today, I want to encourage you to think before you comment, "Let me know what I can do," on someones post or when you get news of a tragedy. Think of a way you can love on them, and how you can be an example of Christ in a very real way.
“Everyone will know that you are my disciples because of your love for each other.
”
There is power in showing up.
oxox,
Kendall Mariah
I would be remiss to not mention the countless others who showed up over the course of that week to bring school work, food, or just to "watch me sleep," so that Mom could run to work for a few hours. Since that week so many people have "showed up" for me when I needed it whether they knew it or not.