"To Have and to Hold"

Ten years ago, I sat down in World History beside this shy guy named Ben. Three years ago, that shy guy became my better half. Now, in 86 days, that same sweet man is going to become my husband. Through our friendship, our relationship and now prepping for our marriage- we have learned so much about each other and about how to have a healthy, happy, productive relationship!

One of the things that I really had to learn about was anxiety. What it is, how it affects people and most importantly how to support it. As Unapologetic is shining a light on Mental Health Awareness Week, I am so excited to be writing this with Ben and telling our story as a couple and how we are becoming better people through his journey with anxiety! 

Allyson (A): Ben! Welcome to Unapologetic! Thank you so much for helping us! Can you tell me a little bit about your anxiety journey and how you got to where you are today?

Ben (B): Sure! Glad to be here. For me, my anxiety really started in college as social anxiety. I went from a high school where I knew everyone, to college where I knew no one. I really struggled to get out, meet people, and get involved. Throughout the past couple of years, it has transitioned into more stress induced and situational anxiety. Certain social situations, decisions and interactions really can leave me stressed, anxious and unable to deal with what is right in front of me. Recently, my best way to help alleviate those moments comes by going back to the two seconds before I had anxiety and diverting my attention away from what is making me so anxious. 

B: Allyson, what has been the biggest thing you have learned having a partner that deals with anxiety?

A: Well, for me it has been learning how to step back and separate myself from the emotions of the situation. I am a very extroverted person that feeds off of feedback and communication, so not getting that at first really threw me for a loop. I had to learn how to ask the right questions and do the right things to make sure that Ben feels comfortable and less anxious. We cook together, we watch movies, we walk the dog, we do things that I know are going to ease his nerves. Also, I had to really learn that having anxiety is NOT the same thing as being anxious. 

A: Can you tell me how you have learned to communicate with me through your anxious moments?

B: Yeah, that was really hard at first. When I was in college, my best coping mechanism was to shut down and get really quiet. I was already by myself, so that helped me to get my mind off of whatever I was anxious about. For me, anxiety takes the form of tightness in my stomach, jitters and an uncontrollable urge to move. So, shutting down made the most sense to calm me down. Now, you are there to help me walk through what is making me anxious by helping me open up. I still sometimes struggle, but I think it is a much better way of tackling the issue.

B: What is your advice to someone who has a partner that has anxiety?

A: Be supportive! One of the things that I think Ben is so afraid of is being a burden, and I take my upcoming marriage vows very seriously, so I don’t want that to EVER be the case! We are a couple that pretty much stays in constant communication throughout the day just so I know that those channels are open if he ever has a problem or something he needs to work out in his mind. Being present and being involved is the best thing I could tell anyone! 

A: Last question! And thank you again for doing this with me! What would you tell someone who thinks that they have anxiety but aren’t sure what next steps to take?

B: Get help! Do not be afraid to do a quick google search and find a professional counselor in your area and go talk to them! They can help so much and have helped me so much. Allyson and my friends are great support system, but a counselor can give you the tools to be able to deal with situations. Its been amazing to see how much faster I can work on a situation and get through now that I have started seeing a counselor. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to get to know a little about us! Ben recently launched a YouTube channel and published a short video sharing more of his journey with anxiety, we hope you will check it out. 

- Allyson & Ben