Too Much and Not Enough : The Struggle You Can't See

“Too much and not enough”. These are the words I have been speaking over my life since my angst filled pre-teen years. Growing up, I never quite fit the bill for the typical teenage southern belle. I was not a size zero, my nose was too big for my face, I had unmanageable bush like hair, and depending on who you asked, I was either too annoying or too shy. In other words, I was always too much or not enough.

I was too fat to look good in the clothes that were in style. I was not outgoing enough to make more than a couple close friends. I was too ugly to be considered beautiful by the boys I liked. My eyebrows were the hairy opposite of “on fleek”. I wasn’t even academically gifted enough to be considered “smart”.  I was always too much and not enough to belong.

These lies were spoken over me by classmates, boyfriends, cyber bullies, and myself for many years. Sure, I had a supportive and loving family and friends that countered these lies but it wasn’t enough.

“There is only so much darkness a person can bare before it begins to affect your mental health. ”

I first started to notice my social anxiety when I entered my sophomore year of high school. I couldn’t walk down the halls of my school or enter a classroom without getting a sharp pain in my chest. I couldn’t get ready for school in the morning without having the urge of breaking down in tears. I couldn’t look people straight in the eye because I feared they could more easily judge my “ugliness”.  I was a ball of anxiety, but I hid it away the best I could. I continued to suppress my destructive actions and thoughts without ever seeking help. 

“I was not okay, but I pretended to be for a really long time.”

I hated every little thing about myself. And honestly, sometimes I still do. But by the grace of God, I am in a much better place now.  It took a small breakdown in the middle of the workday a few months after I got engaged to begin the journey to a healthier heart and mind. I was flying high with the anticipation of marrying my sweet Colin, but paralyzed by the expectation of becoming a “beautiful” bride on my wedding day. I mean, a girl is supposed to feel beautiful and confident on the day of their wedding, right? 

The only problem was that I could only make myself feel beautiful by turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms. For instance, I strictly limited how much I allowed myself to eat and exercised way too hard. I started baking my body in a tanning bed so I could be of a more attractive complexion. I was literally destroying my body to conform to an image I was (and no one is) ever meant to fit. 

So, let’s talk about how God broke me down only to build me back up stronger than ever before. One day while I was working away in the office I began to freak out about how my pants were fitting me. I tried to ignore it, but the anxiety just got worse. In the blink of an eye, I began to have a panic attack in the middle of my tiny office.

Shouts of lies that plagued me for many years were screaming in my ear as I found myself on the ground trying to catch my breath. I knew that I couldn’t continue to live like this any longer but, I also didn’t know how to live any differently. So, I dragged my hot mess of a self to the campus minister’s office at the university I worked at. In that moment, all I knew was that I was trapped in darkness and that I needed to find peace in the light of Christ. At last, my journey of healing a pain that was hidden away for way too long began.

I began seeing a counselor and other medical professionals to work through “the hard stuff”. I was forced to open myself up many times to many people about my struggle. I was given medicine to ease my anxiety so I could make it through a day without a mental breakdown. As hard as it was to accept help through strangers and a couple tiny pills, I began to see the light again. The more time I dedicated to setting time apart for counseling and meditating on God’s word, the stronger I became. I learned through counseling that it is okay to feel broken but it’s not okay to stay broken. Yes friends, I was broken, but God walked through every valley with me as He began to pick up the pieces of my broken spirit.

My wedding day came and went, and I am proud to say that I felt beautiful and confident on that perfect day. Counseling, medicine, and Jesus got me out of my darkest season, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t encounter dark days. When life gets tough I don’t always pray to God and instantly feel better. Sometimes I have to take my anxiety medicine and binge watch Harry Potter movies, and that’s okay. Life can be too much and not enough at the same time, but we luckily, we are loved by God who is more than enough for us.