Chasing Perfect : The Silent Struggle We All Face
If you are like me, I have learned that I can be my own worst enemy. Especially, when it comes to accomplishing my goals. Whatever my goals may be, whether it's weight loss, education, monetary success, or simply to be a "good Christian;" my struggle lies with perfect being the only solution.
In college, I studied design. I have to admit how mentally taxing it was most days for me. Not because I didn't feel talented enough, or because I was envious of my classmates gifts; instead I was overwhelmed with my inability to live up to my own standards.
I would procrastinate on projects until the last minute, throw something together, label it "Good Enough," and move on. Because if I waited to the last minute, I could blame my lack luster project on my lack of time. I feared that if I really put my heart and soul into it, that somehow, it still wouldn't be perfect.
It's funny how our subconscious creates it's own definition of perfect, telling our brain that our efforts are never quite good enough. When the truth of the matter is, if forced to describe what "perfect" may look like, we would be left without a definition.
Chasing perfection feels like running a race with no finish line or competitors, and somehow still not winning. We run ourselves ragged trying to find perfect, trying to "be" perfect," and trying to create perfect.
I am so quick to forget that I was never called to be perfect. Perfect is not my purpose, nor is it yours.
The last few weeks I have been wrestling with "my calling" thinking that everything in my life had to be perfect for it to work out.
I felt like my spiritual gifts had to be presented to God, wrapped in perfect timing, perfect execution, and waiting on the perfect opportunity; but that's not true.
“I find myself waiting for perfect, when God called me to be passionate not perfect.”
I remember while shopping for engagement rings, we were looking at several options that made my heart skip a beat. As we were looking at the ring that is now on my left hand, I noticed there was the tiniest of flaws in the diamond.
The other two were flawless and seemingly perfect, but my gut was going with this one. Our sales consultant stated, "I totally understand, I don't like perfect diamonds either." I can remember thinking, "Are you serious? That just sounds dumb," but I simply uttered, "Why?"
Her reply may have been the best sales line of all time, but to me it was pretty metaphorical for this life. She said, "Why would you want something perfect. Any diamond can be perfect, but its the imperfect ones that are truly one of kind and that's what makes it interesting."
That was it. What a statement. How true is it that our imperfections are what make us unique and our lack of perfection tells a better story.
Just last night I was messaging back and forth with my mom, looking for assurance and a little encouragement. Luckily, she is quick to hand out both freely, it's one of the things that makes her so great.
Mom knows that I have recently been trying to discern my calling, and equally aware of my inability to let go of perfectionism.I was telling her my insecurities and what made so anxious about the next season of my calling. How I was nervous to put myself out there, and to do something so boldly.
She hit me with a one liner that shifted the discernment I had been seeking.
"But people need to know it's okay to not be perfect."
I'm not perfect, and maybe it's a part of the calling on my life to show you that you don't have to be perfect either. I don't want to be a self-righteous Christian who feels accomplished by leading a close to perfect life. I want to be real with you, because we already have an example of perfect.
If you are like me and constantly chasing different ideals of perfect, breathe. We weren't called to be perfect, so no need to feel like you have to be. The things in your life you wish you could change, erase, or forget - maybe things God has directly tied to your purpose, so stop trying to push them into a closet and act like everything is "just fine."
We can do this, we can let go of perfection, and focus on what makes us unique. Focus on telling our story instead of trying edit, filter, and delete it until it is perfect. My story isn't perfect. My life isn't perfect. I am not perfect. But that's exactly why God has chose me for this path, and you for yours. So stop chasing perfection and start walking imperfect path God has for you, and see where it leads. I am sure it's wonderful.
oxox,
Kendall Mariah