I Didn't Think I Would Be Single at 30 - The Truth About Christian Singleness
In November I turned 30. The entire week leading up to my birthday I cried every day and I told no one.
Every tear that fell mourned the life I thought I’d have at 30. In my mind, I had this plan that I would definitely be married by 30, and this would be the year I would begin to start a family. I’m not even sure when or why I made this plan. But in the week leading up to my birthday I realized my plan had failed. I had failed. None of those things had happened, and I was left mourning the plan that had embedded itself into my heart and my worth.
I imagine this is what it feels like for athletes who spend their entire lives training for the Olympics only to find out they failed to qualify for the team. The week leading up to my birthday felt like a lot of things, but mostly, it felt like I had failed to qualify for the team of life. I had failed to get married. I had failed to have a child. I was a failure.
Singleness has been the hardest season of my life. It has also been the longest and loneliest season I’ve ever walked through. I struggle almost daily to find God amidst the pain and heartbreak that have surrounded me during this season.
It’s a season that’s left me questioning God’s kindness towards me. It’s a season that’s left me questioning my worth. It’s a season that’s reminded me over and over again that I haven’t been chosen. And it’s a season that’s made me beg God for the “why” more times than I can count.
“During this season it’s been so easy for me to get lost in the negative, and for me to forget God’s past faithfulness. ”
Do you know what happened after I turned 30 as a single woman with no children? Nothing. I survived. I woke up the morning of my birthday, drank a mimosa, hiked up to the top of a mountain, had a fabulous massage, then had the best She-Crab soup ever for dinner. I survived.
And when I really think about it, I know my worth is buried somewhere within that “surviving.” Because knowing that I survived has made me proud. In the past few weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking about my worth. It’s taken a lot of Jesus and a lot of God’s words to convince my stubborn mind that my worth is not in some plan I made for myself.
A few weeks ago I read Remember God by Annie F. Downs and she quoted Romans 4:20-21
“Abraham did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”
I have not been able to get this scripture out of my head. After quoting it Annie asked; “Am I fully persuaded that God is for me? Am I fully persuaded God has the power to do what he has promised?” I decided to ask myself and my answer was; “I don’t know, sometimes.”
For me there is a lot of fear that comes with not being fully persuaded that God is for me. I’m going to lay out some of my biggest fears for you:
I’m afraid this season won’t end, that this is my life story.
I’m afraid God isn’t going to come through for me.
I’m afraid all the good men are already taken.
I’m afraid of never being a mother.
I’m afraid I will never be enough.
But you know what I’m afraid of more than any of those things? Missing God completely. Not following him. Not saying “yes” to the adventures that he keeps taking me on. Because being married and having a family will be nothing if I am not following God.
In the past 2 years God has given me more vision and more opportunities than I could have ever imagined. And God has pursued me, and met me each time I’ve said “yes.” God met me on a football field as I shared the story of Jesus washing the disciples’ feet with 100 football players. God met an exhausted me through the words of Psalm 62 in a hot room in Puerto Rico. God met me each time I picked up my guitar and led Reckless Love in worship. God met me at the very end of South Africa where the ocean meets the cliffs. God met me through friends who were intentional and remembered the small things. And God met me through all the tears and heartbreak and mourning.
Each time God meets me, I keep hearing God whisper, “you won’t be let down.” And I am clinging to that, hard. I don’t know what’s coming, but I know it’s going to be good.
Friend, if you are single on this Valentine’s Day, I want you to know I see you and I feel you. I want to speak some truth into your life on a day that’s always been hard for me. You are not a failure. You do not need a man to complete you, you do not need a man to be worthy of being celebrated, you do not need a man to be beautiful, you do not need a man to have a life filled with adventure. You do not need a man to be strong and brave. You can choose to see your worth, and to be all of those things on your own.
I also want you to know it’s ok to mourn, to be disappointed, to be sad.
“If you need a minute at your best friend’s wedding to slip away and spend a few moments in the bathroom gathering yourself, there is grace for that. If you need to take a break from Instagram because the engagement posts are hurting your heart, take it. If you need a minute today when everyone is telling you about their Valentine’s Day plans, to go grab your favorite dessert and breathe, do it.
”
I pray that God whispers into your ear, day after day, “sweet daughter, you won’t be let down. You don’t know what’s coming, but I do, and it’s going to be good.
Love,
Caitlyn