1 in 4 : Pregnancy + Infant Loss

August 5th, 2015. August 12th, 2016. Two possible due dates. Exactly 1 year and 1 week apart. Two sweet babies, who are playing together in heaven, being held by the Father, and keeping the lap of one happy great-grandmama mighty full.

“Those two dates are forever etched on my heart. Those two dates are when I could have possibly held our angel babies.”

But, that wasn't part of my "plan". When my husband, Trey, and I got married, we didn't necessarily dream of having children. Especially not right away. We had dreams of traveling to so many places together. Accomplishing different goals together. Maybe even buying a dog! But, children? Our response: "Give us 5 years, and then come ask us."

But shock of all shocks, we found out we were going to be parents. We didn't feel like it, yet. And to be honest, we didn't even like the idea of it right away. But slowly and surely, the Lord began preparing our hearts for a little one. He began helping us see how our life together could be molded and shaped to love and care for one of His precious gifts.

And then, just like that, it was gone. Cruelly snatched away... that's really what it felt like.

Fast forward a year. Hit the repeat button. And there we were, experiencing the exact same thing over again.

I distinctly remember telling Trey, that it felt like I was in the same nightmare, the same moment. Only one year later. But, why?

And in my moment of grieving and searching, God was silent. I prayed: "Make sense of this, Lord. Please." But in that moment, it felt like He had completely turned His back on me.

But thankfully, that's not how God works. Looking back, in that silence, I learned far more than I ever could had, if He had audibly spoken to me. (Though I'm not going to lie, that would have been awfully nice, too.)

When He "quit" speaking to me, I quit looking for an answer. I quit trying to have control. I quit trying to "fix it". I just quit. I sat. And I sat. And I sat some more. And then I finally realized... it's okay. It's okay to not have an exact answer, an exact reason, to my many questions. It's okay to not have a solution to this "problem" that I faced. My only role in this life is to be a vessel of and for HIM. Whatever path that takes me down. Wherever that may lead me. So when God became silent, I had to learn how to rest in His peace. I had to learn how to be okay with the unknown, because He is the author of the unknown. And the most beautiful thing is this - it's not unknown to Him. His hope for me (and you!) is that I learn to rest and trust in Him, and let Him be the author of my life.

In God's silence, I found His peace.

{Excerpt from my personal blog - you can read more over at: www.whitneymclamb.com.}

This month is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. A month that no one wants to identify with, but sadly, many women do. 1 in 4 women, actually. Some women want to open up and talk about it. They want their story to be acknowledged, their babies to be remembered. While some women prefer to keep their stories quiet, close to their heart. Neither one is right or wrong, as we all grieve and work through life in our own ways. I chose to begin writing about this, solely because I couldn't find many resources or stories to turn to in my times of loss - and I was so desperate for something, anything, to hold onto.

According to my beliefs, a baby is a baby from the time of conception. When you lose that baby, you experience a loss. A void opens up. My husband and I have a little girl of our own in our arms now, our miracle rainbow baby. We absolutely adore her. She has brought so much healing and redemption to our lives. But our two losses, they're still very present in my mind. I still wonder who those sweet babies might have grown up to be.

“Being 1 in 4, it is a tough path to walk, a path that many strong Mamas walk every day - a path we keep walking for years to come.”

I have spoken to so many women that can still tell me due dates, distinct details, about the babies they have loved and lost. Each of these strong Mamas are amazing warriors, and we are all better by having them in our midst. 

Here at Unapologetic, we wish to acknowledge each of you that have been on this journey with me, those of you who do identify with this month of awareness. We welcome you to share your story of love and loss via social media, using the following hashtag: #unapologetictribe. We desire to hear your unapologetic story of strength. Our hope is to stand beside you, as you help us bring awarenes to this topic. 

Mamas -- You are seen. You are loved. You are stronger than you may think. 

-Whitney