Kate Spade : The WHOLE Truth about Depression & What it Really Looks Like
Today, while in one of my favorite stores my husband tapped me on the shoulder and said in caring voice, "I have never seen you enter into a store so reverently." I had unknowingly taken a breath and a pause before walking through the door, and slowly sauntered around the perfectly placed products.
My heart was aching, and my eyes held back tears.
A woman's heart and vision on display and for purchase. A world-wide iconic brand, was not enough to save her from the lies of the devil and deep pains of depression.
I broke for my dear Kate Spade because her pain is something I can feel in such a real way. The hopelessness. The loneliness. The fear of the future. It all backs you into an impossible corner, where you feel as there is no escape, and that you are wasting that space you now occupy.
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By trade, I am a Branding Strategist, which is just a really nice way of saying I help people cultivate their brand through passion and purpose, then display them effectively to their target audience.
I have always loved learning about the power of brands, and have studied hundreds to understand what makes successful brands a success. However, there is no brand on this earth that I have studied more than that of Kate Spade. I was captivated by colors and clean lines. Her spunk and wit, while remaining sought after by the elite.
She created a brand that stood out the the crowd, and that she embodied on the day to day to a world of on-lookers. However, the happy and polished version of Kate was not the whole truth.
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Depression was also a part of her truth, but that wouldn't exactly make for a cute handbag slogan, and Kate knew that too.
I can only speculate that it was much similar to the kind of depression many of us creatives suffer from. It stems from fear of failure in our field, anxiety over acceptance of our art, and worry over the world that comes with success.
She hid behind her wit and bold patterns, a role I often can fall into.
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My own battle with depression stemmed from a season of change coming in a snowball form. I got sick where I had to have surgery and began a difficult road to motherhood. I finished college double majoring with a minor (only 1 class shy of a triple major), passed the baton of sorority president, and planned a 300 person wedding. ALL within a 9 month period.
My identity was gone.
Everything I knew SHIFTED. I got married and moved across the country, and went from EVERY hour of my day being carefully carved and dictated by my commitments and responsibilities...
To a world where my only "REAL" responsibilities were my new found duties of a wife, as I tried to grow my business. I was lost and alone with my feelings, overthinking my circumstance, and drowning in loss of purpose.
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I was desperate to feel needed by a greater cause than myself, but I didn't know where to turn. I was embarrassed to have slipped into such a dark hole, and tried to eat my way out. Depression was still a dirty word even though this was just a few years ago.
I was terrified for anyone to find out that the over-achieving, confident, and "built to handle anything" Kendall, they all knew was buried somewhere deep under layers of anxiety and depression, while being held prisoner by hallucinations and panic attacks.
I felt like I had failed.
Failed to have it all figured out. Failed to have control over my body. Failed to know what my future looked like.
I slowly, stopped wanting to leave the house. I clung to my mom and Justin, and even stopped attending church in person or family outings. I felt as though the whole world knew I had failed, and that my sins somehow burdened the world, so I needed to stay home so I wouldn't be found out or hurt anyone.
IT SOUNDS CRAZY, i know. I feel as though I am writing about another girl, She was so broken. Held together by loud cries to God, the arms of husband, and the prayers of my mother.
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Poetically, a year to date, from when they discovered my cyst it all came to a climax.
This is the day I BROKE COMPLETELY. A textbook Nervous Breakdown.
I ran up from my bedroom to my parents room, screaming out of fear and anxiety from a terrible dream. At 23 I was desperate to find sanctuary with my parents as I continued to scream as though the house was on fire, but my parents were already gone to work.
I climbed in their bed continuing to scream through tears, "GOD SAVE ME FROM THIS, PLEASE JUST HOLD ME." As i had done so many times, however, this time I physically felt a new weight and fear over me. My brain lead me to believe that the world would (literally) explode if I did as much as move from the spot I was in.
Through the tears, I shakingly dialed my parent's office number, still in a spiral of emotions I NEEDED SOMEONE to get there to get me my medicine, but I could not move. I am not sure what i said, if any of it was audible, but 5 minutes later my mom appeared to find me completely hidden under her covers screaming and crying still.
She knew I was broken. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually.
With words that only God could give her, she gave me my medicine, and started to calmly pray over me while rubbing my head. Between her soothing words and medication. My heart rate finally lowered.
She didn't act crazy or irrationally. Nor called the looney bin. She sat in the s#!+ with me, held my hand and prayed. As I began to calm, I was still out of sorts. She had to gather me clothes, and help me dress.
Mom never got worked up herself, simply asked me "Who would you go talk to?"
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You have to know, my mom had already walked a dark path with my sister, so she knew how to react. She was trained and educated. She was prayed up and believing in God's goodness. She was ready to fight this battle.
I just wish everyone had a warrior that to accompany them as they experience their own dark valley's.
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I wish Kate had been able to find hope in Jesus and community amongst people who could "Let her talk" her truth. Her whole truth.
Though I create brands and work tirelessly to establish my own. I want you to know my brand is the good and the BAD. There is no real victory with out a valley, and I don't want you to miss either.
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The whole time I was experiencing such a dark valley, I lead others to believe I was okay on social media. That I was "Fine" and loving my life. However, it was all B.S. I was selling a brand I couldn't authentically rep.
But don't worry that version of the brand as been edited to allow for truth and margin.
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Do you have a really BUSY friend? Do you have a SUCCESSFUL friend? Do you have very TALENTED friend? Do you have a very STRONG friend? I am sure you do.
Take her to lunch. Don't ask about work or accomplishments. Ask her about HER, how is she doing. HOW IS SHE REALLY DOING?
Is she REALLY happy? Remember, more money, more problems. So maybe she just needs you listen to a few of those, even if they SOUND dumb and ridiculous to you.
In world where we glorify having thousands of FOLLOWERS, we forget the importance of intimate friendships. Where we make time to sit in the s#!+ with our friends and make sure they are taking care of them self.
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Depression doesn't look lonely on the outside. Depression can look busy. Depression can look like success. Depression can look like YOU. It takes more than a pill to make a better. It takes more than a day or a week to dig out of the hole.
So if you love someone. REALLY love someone, PROVE IT, by investing in them and there truth. All OF IT.
oxox,
Kendall